Recovering from a breakup, a response to Joyce Santos

Truth and falsity of the 30 on https://butfirstjoy.com/not-to-do-after-breakup/.

These are responses not just to the quotes of the bold, but also the explanations.

Contact your ex. For any reason

WRONG! there IS one reason to contact your ex – to apologize. A last message titled “Last and final message” and MAYBE one P.S. after it. As I said in my last post. Another things, just remain friends with your ex, just like you were friends before dating.

It is NEVER wrong to apologize, as long as you are not lying.

And express your heartbreak to your ex, confess your mistakes, apologize, and leave it at that.

Don’t keep any lines of communication open

Partly true. Do delete their number, but don’t block them UNLESS they say mean things.

Rebound

I’m not sure about this. I can just say that you should NEVER treat your ex as no good. But love them the way that God loves all people.

Degrade yourself

True

Lash out

True.

Post about it on social media

Partly true. But you can express your sadness in a mature way.

Stalk them on social media

I’ll have to go with true.

Seek out another ex

I also disagree with that. “They are your ex for a reason” – unfortunately that is not always the case.

Ask anyone about your ex

I neither agree nor disagree about this.

Don’t remain friends with his family (sorry not sorry)

I disagree STRONGLY with this one! You can still be friends with your ex, just not boyfriend and girlfriend. It can be the way it was before your first date.

Neglect your physical health

True

Dwell on the past

True. And I’ll add that you should listen to doom metal, death/doom, aggrotech, EBM and futurepop. Especially listen to Interface (Eric Eldredge, Nilaihah records (if I spelled it correctly)) and VNV Nation, and also “True Life” by Lights of Euphoria – I love the original mix and the VNV Nation remix. Even listen to “Love breeds Suicide” by Suicide Commando. Also “End of Love” by Schalllfaktor – I love the Wynardtage remix and the Suicide Commmando remix. I am curious as to why there aren’t more industrial, EBM, and futurepop breakup songs. I wonder why Combichrist wouldn’t produce a breakup song, considering Andy LaPlegua (born Ole Anders Olsen)’s divorce with Sophia Thomalla.

Bottle up your emotions.

Definitely true.

Date his friends

You know what, they made some good points.

Eat your emotion

I’d say that’s true.

Turn to drugs or alcohol

I’ll just have to agree.

Get revenge

What about “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”

Distance yourself from friends and family

Definitely

Look at their photos, texts, or love notes

The bold is true. But I would never burn them – incase your ex comes back, you don’t want to regret destroying them, because they would be gone forever. Just put them in a file cabinet

Let them take up space in your mind

I’ll have to go with true.

Don’t forget to learn something

Definitely true.

Talk about them

Well you can express your heartbreak about your breakup with your ex, as long as you don’t say mean things about her. but I wonder if you should ask “Why is she so insensitive to my broken heart and wounded soul?”

Don’t stop loving yourself

I’ll have to agree with that one.

Try to remain friends

Why not? Can’t you and your ex just be the way you were before you began dating, as if you never gone out on a date?

Pretend you’re okay with seeing him

It’s fine to truthfully reveal that you’re okay seeing him, but it’s not okay to lie that you‘re okay seeing them. I do agree with the last part.

Pretend you’re okay

Agreed.

Give up on love

I’ll have to agree on that one.

Novel strategies to heal and recover a breakup

• Guys: IF your ex hasn’t cut off all communications with you, send her an apology message with a title of “last and final message” and with the body starting with “I don’t believe I will send you any more messages for quite some time, unless you ask a question or otherwise expect a reply.” And then confess and apologize like “This is my fault, not yours. I was so foolish. I should have known better. I’ve learned my lesson. I promise to do better from now on.” And such. If you missed anything, you could give one P.S., but leave it at that for years, unless she forgives you and/or comes back to you.

• Guys: if your ex has blocked you, remove her phone number, but don’t block her back incase she unblocks you in the future and wants you back… not that she ever will, but just incase. Don’t block her unless she sends mean messages. If she sends mean messages, then block her for a few months and then unblock her. She might have forgotten about you and not think about sending mean messages.

• Don’t delete your ex’s pictures. Instead, archive them; For example, put them in a tape library, optical library, or even a Massive Array of Idle Disks (MAID), and/or lock them in a file cabinet in a storage room or basement. In case she comes back, you don’t want to regret throwing the pictures away, because once they’re gone they’re gone and can never be recovered, and you wouldn’t enjoy being back together as much. Women, read this: before using AI to remove the ex from the pictures, make a copy with the ex shown but put it into offline or nearline archive like tape library, optical library, or MAID array, or locked in a file cabinet, but keep the ex-free pictures online and readily available on either a RAID (Redundant Array of Independent Disks) or flash memory. I won’t say anything more about tech.

• Pray to God. Pray for your ex. Pray for God to help in times that test you.

• Guys:know that there are other girls. In some cases, just believe that your ex was no good.

• Don’t stalk your ex under any circumstances. Refer to Luke 6:31 and Matthew 7:12 – Do unto others as you would have to them do to you. In other words, treat others the way you want to be treated. Would you have your ex stalk you? Probably not – there you shouldn’t stalk your ex. Girls: You wouldn’t want to be door-slammed by your ex, why should you slam the door on your ex-boyfriend?

• Use Buddhist meditation. Look up YouTube videos related to it.

• Have a cat to soothe the stress from breakup or divorce. If a couple has a cat but then divorces, the man should the cat, because he suffers more and therefore could use the cat for emotional support.

• Look at the stars on a starry night. That should refresh you. You may even wait for an answer. I’m not talking about astrology.
• Guys, this might not be exactly a move-on strategy, but if your ex comes to your house, not that she ever will, but if she does, tell her “What are you doing here <her-name>? Well, I’ve got what I deserved. This is my fault, not yours. I have been so foolish, and I will do better next time… if there even is one. I’ve learned my lesson.” Unless it’s not your fault.

• Listen to sad or dark music. Listen to doom metal, death/doom, aggrotech, or futurepop. Especially listen to bands like Interface (as in Nilaihah records; Eric Eldredge) and VNV Nation. What about “End of Love” by Schallfaktor? Doesn’t matter what original mix or remix you listen to, but my favorite is the Wynardtage remix, my second favorite is the Suicide Commando remix. You could even listen to “Love Breeds Suicide” by Suicide Commando – it’s one of the more brooding songs by the artist. You could also listen to songs by Lights of Euphoria, especially True Life – my favorite version is the original mix, my second favorite is the VNV Nation remix. No rock’n’roll or classic rock – that’s just not good for your anguish.
  • I have no clue why there aren’t more industrial, EBM, or futurepop breakup songs. Futurepop breakup songs would be best, but absolutely not industrial metal breakup songs. I wonder why there also aren’t any anti-romantic industrial metal or aggrotech songs, with lyrics expressing hatred for romantic hugs and kisses.
  • If any aggrotech or industrial metal band should perform breakup songs, it should be Combichrist, since it’s lead by Andy Laplegua (birth name Ole Anders Olsen) who got divorced once and remarried once.

• Help others. Realize that if you can’t live a happy life, maybe the rest of the world can. Make a sacrifice. Sacrifice yourself if you have to.

Final thoughts

Remember: Only a guy who is willing to let go of his one true love completely, can truly make love with her. Not to spoil the third season of the Lion Guard, but that sounds like what Askari said to Kion.

Ideal vs. actual gender traits and differences

Ideal: women are more romantic than men; Actual: men are more romantic.

Ideal: women are romantic and lovey-dovey; Actual: Women are pragmatic in relationships.

Ideal: men are at their sexual prime at age 21 and women at age 18; Actual: Men are at their prime at age 18 give or take a couple years and women at age 35 give or take several or years.

Ideal: Women are committed to their partners; Actual; Women get bored by sex in just one year.

Ideal: Women take longer to fall in love, but once they all in love, they fall out of love slower; Actual: Women fall in love slower and fall out of love faster.

Ideal: men focus on the future; Actual: Women focus on the future and men on the present.

Ideal: Men recover and grow from breakups. Actual: Women feel more pain initially, but recover very soon. Men on the other hand, might not feel pain at the first bit, but most of them never recover – the pain only gets worse over time.

Ideal: Men have a more stable (not stronger, but more stable) immune system. Ideal: Autoimmune diseases are more common in women, but tend to be more severe in men. Additionally, testosterone destabilizes T helper cells, increasing the risk of inflammation. Since testosterone is immunosuppressive, it makes sense that testosterone levels drop and estrogen and progesterone levels rise in both sexes when infected with diseases like COVID-19.

Ideal: Men tend to speak with an outdoor voice and women with an indoor voice. Actual: Women yell more than men.

Ideal: Men are more crafty. That would give them a competitive advantage over non-crafty men in competition for mates, since they could use manipulation on their rivals as well as on women that are already taken. Actual: Women are more cunning and manipulative.

Ideal: Assortative mating in which physically unattractive men are more likely than physically attractive men to mate with unattractive women, and physically attractive women are more likely than physically unattractive women to mate with handsome men; Actual: hypergamy and juggernaut law in which physically attractive women are more likely to form exclusive relationships rather than pure sexual relationships, and less likely to have sex within the first week of meeting their partner. References: https://www.npr.org/2014/10/23/358238948/is-there-really-such-a-thing-as-a-trophy-wife, https://sigmaframe.files.wordpress.com/2021/02/assortive-mating-vs-hypergamy.jpg, and https://sigmaframe.wordpress.com/2021/02/17/the-lopsided-liberalized-mating-market/

Any that I missed will be below here, but before the next header

Ideal: Women need love than men in romantic relationships. The gender that receives more love should be the one that needs more love. Actual: According to PsychologyToday and the Romantic Beliefs Scale, men have more positive feelings upon hearing the words “I love you” than women.

Ideal: Men spend more on Valentine’s day, while women expect more. Actual: Men spend more and expect more. Source: https://www.Oklahoman.com/story/business/columns/2019/02/13/men-spend-more-expect-more-for-valentines-day. Thankfully, though, the gender gap in spending is less than the gender expectation.

Conclusion and solutions

As I said earlier in https://genderlovesexuality.wordpress.com/2022/06/28/disappointing-gender-differences/, many differences are disappointing.

Eugenics could be used to eliminate women that are not their sexual ideal – for example, eliminating aromantic women and women that are hardwired to break up – and spare the women with the sexual ideals mentioned above. The same could be done for men, for example, eliminate the men that never recover, and favor the men that recover, and spare the men that have the ideals mentioned above. But bioengineering would be better. Genetic modification… CRISPR-Cas9? Or is that for obesity? We could be like the Yuuzhan Vong in Star Wars Legends (no longer canon per Disney, but that’s off-topic), but we’d differ from them in two ways. First, we should have absolutely no objection to using mechanical and electronic technology, we should just prefer organic biotechnology – something in common with the Charon (formerly Char’ontee or however it’s spelled) of Otherspace in Star Wars Legends, but not worshipping death, let alone considering life an abomination. Second of all, we should not be sadomasochistic like Yuuzhan Vong, we should not be ruthless, cruel, or bloodthirsty.

Sexual engineering? I’m not talking about transgenderism, or LGBTQ+ for that matter.

What about alternative psychology or reverse psychology?

Slamming the door on your ex is ALWAYS wrong!

The Golden Rule, Luke 6:31 and Matthew 7:12 “Du unto others as you would have them do to you” could go one way – a man shouldn’t stalk a girl if he would not want to be stalked. However, it could also go another way – a girl wouldn’t want her ex to door-slam her, why should she slam the door on her ex? However, “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” also applies to breakup and divorce. Block for a block (as in number blocked), dump for a dump (as in breaking up). If a girl slams the door on her ex, he could also door-slam her back. And if a guy door-slams his ex, she could door-slam him back. However, Matthew 5:44 also applies. A woman should say “Lord, forgive my husband (or boyfriend), for he knows not what he’s doing.” Edit: One more: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 19:19 and 22:39, Mark 12:31, and Galatians 5:14).

Does “you have the right to remain silent” relate to the “no-contact rule.”

The one exception to the no-contact rule should be a one-message apology. The ex-boyfriend’s message could start with “I don’t believe I will be sending any more messages to you for quite some time, unless you say it’s ok.”

A women should have empathy and view things from her ex’s perspective.

A woman should never, EVER hate her ex. Only hate what he does. View no one as bad objects, just treat them as people that need to be redeemed. Come back and check on her ex to see if he’s changed. Anyone can change. I don’t believe people who say that adults can’t change. Think of the King of Nineveh in the Book of Jonah and Saul of Tarsus (later the apostle Paul) in the New Testament – sudden repentance! A person could change from as evil as Jezebel to as godly as Josiah in the blink of an eye, and feel remorse as painful as hell!

A woman should rejoice over one boyfriend/husband who abandoned her and returns more than 99 boyfriends who never leave her! Matthew 18:13.

A woman should have mercy and grace on her ex. Give her ex a second chance. What about “three strikes and I’m done with you”? Kind of like King Saul’s big mistakes, the three strikes against his kingdom, from offering a sacrifice on behalf of Samuel, to spoils from the Amalekites, to finally visiting a witch. Edit: That’s not the best comparison.

Agree? Disagree? Say so in the comment section below.

I have another post after this that I will write next Sunday. It will be about “ideal vs. actual gender traits.”